You're in for a treat as today you get TWO Thursday Thoughts posts.... that's what happens when I'm so busy I can't think straight and look at my calendar wrong LOL!
Today we welcome Brooke Lynn back to our blog. So without any more interruptions here she is....
“What Happens when our Heart Deceives us”
I witnessed gut-wrenching heartache and pain women experienced from affairs. I worked with these women, lived in a neighborhood with some, and their pain seemed horrendous. Their hearts were broken, torn apart, crushed without an inkling of hope remaining. I scoffed and made snide, judgmental remarks about people I knew having affairs. How could they ever stoop so low and put themselves in that place? What made them do this awful and disgusting thing?
Wedding vows are precious and priceless; verbalized before a Holy God. They are meant never to be broken. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea. My thoughts were full of condemnation and disapproval. What’s adultery -some sleazy infatuated sex, or a grand affirmation to make you more confident and secure?
Women give themselves completely to their husband, surrendering their hearts and lives, trusting one man to love them unconditionally for the rest of time. Some give up careers, hopes, dreams, and pieces of themselves to be together as one. These women have children, families and declare "all-in". Then like a thin pane of glass, shattered into a million pieces; it’s a disaster. All of it’s simply ended because of an affair.
The thought of this happening to me, consumed me with fear. So, I prayed a lot. I prayed for protection over my husband and my marriage. I asked God to never allow me be cheated on or traded in. I begged that provocative women would stay away from him and not lead him into temptation. I knew I couldn't handle it, if it were me. I would be forever broken beyond repair if my husband had an affair.
What I discovered about myself was; I was a hypocrite.
I confess that it was me who devastated my husband when I ended up having an affair. I believed I was too good to ever cheat, and yet I found myself running into the arms of our Pastor. I have all the excuses in the world for this happening, and trust me I tried to rationalize it. The truth is that there was no excuse. It was awful. The truth is awful; and it may make you hate me.
It began with “innocent” flirting and secretly enjoying my Pastor's companionship and attention. We became emotionally involved talking over the phone, emailing, and spending time together. I pushed guilty thoughts and all conviction to the back of my mind; choosing to live in denial. He was having marital issues suffering with an alcoholic wife; I was emotionally abused by my husband having a pornography addiction. This made it okay for us to have each other; so we said.
But in reality we each had our own deep rooted problems and we exaggerated the issues of our spouses to justify our own actions.
We were sick; all of us. And don’t think for a moment I justify my actions; I do not.
I was looking to another man to meet my needs for love and acceptance. I was following my feelings. I was living in a deep dark hole of deception, believing all the lies in my head. I believed God wanted me to leave my husband and be with my Pastor. I trusted and respected him since he was a Pastor and he had counseled couples; including myself and my husband for marital problems. I couldn't see it; but I never should have trusted someone for marriage counsel when their own marriage was chaotic and falling apart.
My Pastor encouraged and assured me I deserved better than the husband I had, and he said he was that better man. I took his every word to heart and leaned on him to see me through all my problems; including filing for divorce. I kept telling myself he was a man of God whom I could trust. I placed him on a pedestal and allowed him to manipulate me.
The situation was a heart breaking time of turmoil and grief for everyone. I separated from my husband and had an affair with my Pastor for nine months before running to God for help. Faithfully, God reached down His hand and pulled me out of the deepest sinking hole I'd ever fallen into.
The unbearable emotions and feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment were pressing deep into my soul, hurting intensely as pain unable to be medicated. And in that moment, in pain and shock, my whole world crashed in on me. I didn't know what to do; I never thought this would happen to me. I looked around to see what was left and asked God how to pick up the pieces of my life. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle; I obeyed God and went back to my husband asking forgiveness; my husband forgave me and took me back with open arms.
Trust me when I say nothing about any of this was easy. We spent thousands of dollars in legal fees,sold our home, split up our children, damaged their souls, and hurt each other deeply. But perseverance and determination to do what we believe God wanted from us; motivated us to put our marriage back together.
Restoring our marriage took patience, determination, time, and counseling. We worked hard putting our marriage back together and learned many lessons in the process. Ten years later; we don’t have a perfect marriage and we still have our days; but what we do have is each other, along with a beautiful family who beat the odds and devastation of divorce. And it’s all because of Jesus!
Brooke resides in the Washington D.C. area, has been married for nineteen years, has two children and loves dogs.
Please visit my website at: www.BrookeLynnBooks.com